Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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