last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I checked into jail on foursquare
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
