I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i think my cat just said my name.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
