I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
