until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
