you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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