youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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