Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
