You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
