Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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