My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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