Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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