1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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