Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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