nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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