I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
