Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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