Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
