I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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