this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
