I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
