chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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