i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
