please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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