The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
