My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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