The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
