So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
