I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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