so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
