Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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