This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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