so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
