Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
