Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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