yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize