Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
