You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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