I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
