i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
