even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
