Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
