I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
