i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bring me that man meat
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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