I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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