Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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