I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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