He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
