tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
