the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
His hands were made for my vagina.
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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