I hate all girls vehemently.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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