He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
