I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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