I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
