I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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