Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
