my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
