I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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